While generally assigning my own resarch topics, I tend to keep an open mind when somebody brings to mind an interesting lead to explore. In a sort of roundabout way, that is what leads to the following logs. Make no mistake, I am not so blind to context clues that I didn't realize Prof. Ravenheart (is professor the title for a watcher?) meant his invitation for me to "enjoy life" mostly as a dismissive insult to my titularization plan. I am however reminded of that one intervening professor a long time ago, whose name I unfortunately forgot.
The lady that could only be described as cranky, called in as a substitute, spent most of her time berating the study group. It was hours upon hours of "why aren't these books here already?" "recalibrate the aethersight needle" "why are these references STILL not here?" "wrong doses, do it again" "I've seen frogs stir a cauldron better than you do". All in a pace nobody could feasably notice. Of course at this point, we all expected the substitute would spell doom on our average, and the rest of the study group all but gave up. But, perhaps out of pride, and perhaps out of a weird backlash from the last few rough nights, I started pushing in the directions she pushed towards and then some, running when she said walk, screaming when she said talk, in some sort of weird abused trance that helped make the whole groupe scrape by this asignment barely. Obviously, the others then got "the hag" as she was already nicknamed out of their sight as soon as possible, but, in a tone that was definitely sarcastic, I took things one last step further necessary by thanking her for her passionate guidance. Her response to this display was "I meant most of those as insults, but I guess it worked out". A charming display of humility in the face of effort, that I hope to be able to inspire once more. Even if the matter is very different.
Initially, Prof. Ravenheart wanted unreasonable terms, including an endeavor lasting no less than two years, and me accepting the role I cannot accept as a condition. And while I am sure my untimely assassination would serve to him as a precious life lesson, I appreciate my continued existence very much, to a degree he cannot fully appreciate. Thankfully, used to harsh negociation when it came to securing funding for my project, I fell back on more acceptable terms, and though he never explicitely -agreed- to my terms, he never outright rejected my plan to show him the strength of my resolve and my emotional maturity by bring with a loved one for Valentione's day. On one hand, this wastes a little under three months to achieve this objective I didn't find I needed. On the other hand, I only have a little under three months to start and meaningfully appreciate a relationship, along with hobbyist side activities, generally moving towards a performative well-rounded happy life he seems to so desperately envy yet feels forbidden from having.
At this point, I feel it useful to recenter what is my intention on the long term, cover the bases and all that. I was born in Doma, but grew up from an early age to Sharlayan. Due to a piracy incident during the exode from the Coerthan colony, I couldn't return to the homeland, and had to make it on my own in Eorzea. The heads from Forum are known to be posessive of the knowledge they fostered, to the point they have sent in the past assassination squads against those that would spread the knowledge without approval first, and they are not the kind to give that approval easily. Essentially, though I haven't in over a decade stepped foot in Sharlayan territory, my ability to learn is intact, but my ability to teach is hamstrung. I want that to change, and to do it aboveboard, to live without fear, and without regret, and leave something behind once I inevitably return to the Lifestream. This is what Prof. Ravenheart says I'm not ready for. This research aims to prove him wrong.
In these logs as a result, I will put down my main research directions, leads, analysis and conclusions on the matters of conventionally fulfilling enjoyment. I must of course prepare myself for the frustrating parts of this research, stemming from the fact understanding and applying the ways the world works is something that deeply fulfills me. I can be more than my research, and for my research's sake, I will be.
I have, of course, considered literal interpretations and shortcuts. In the very place I met Prof. Ravenheart, I saw the base components for all sorts of mind-altering, enthralling substances that could instill in someone a simulacrum of love. The mechanics of love itself are also somewhat interesting, and I do of course wonder how it applies to the layered aethers of the mind, body and soul. And how it can be manipulated. And the role of social context in all of this. However, winning on a technicality would feel hollow, and could deprive me of some genuinely enjoyable times. In particular, miss Dumond showed polite contempt for my physical abilities, and while my pride is of course wounded, I cannot help but wonder if taking a physical activity more seriously could help, again in the three-layered-aethers context, my mind and soul to grow, given more "space". I met recently someone picturing the body akin to a vessel. This would be strengthening the vessel so it carries comfortably more of its content, instead of condensating the contents. An interesting perspective to be certain, but not one relevant to my current plans.
Doing things "the hard way" and see where things block seems to be the best idea for now however. Similar to having a control group in a study. But even this needs focus, preparation, and considerations. I have the following leads as my first set of experimental protocols:
1.a) Kinetic activities. On a closed-up lens, this means taking up something physical regularly, exercise in a hobbyist way. While I am loath to remind myself of the time I was almost sold as property on the markets of Ul'dah, dance nonetheless seems to be the best candidate. At the very least, I must inform myself on the danses taught and see if one catches my interest, preferably as part of group lessons.
1.b) Kinetic activities. On a "zoomed out lens" this time, means traveling. I have spent most of the recent months since that one ishgardian seminarium in the civilized parts of La Noscea. While I don't necessarily have specific things to do elsewhere, traveling for its own sake might be interesting. Of course, historical looks at what made the land what it is today is always a good time, but I must not diminish the importance of the offer from miss Dumond for expeditions. The exact nature of these is still a mystery, and piercing this mystery, on top of the looming suspicion this is not a two-people matter, make it a promising lead indeed.
2. Aesthetic considerations. While I tend to prefer utilitarian or comfortable clothing in general, even I recognize the importance of a first impression, and the depths of superficial appearances. As such, perhaps a bolder, yet inviting style might help facilitate some contacts. It is important however that this style remains personal in nature. First impressions only last so long, and if I give out an impression that is antithetic to how I am on the long run, things might get more complicated than they need be. To facilitate "putting myself out there", I have also remembered this painter that owed me a favor for my intervention during a charity auction in Gridania. This might be a good occasion to recall this favor, and ask for a flattering portrait, as narcissistic the prospect might feel.
3. Bringing people home. Literally would certainly be helpful, of course, and arranging that home of mine to be a bit less cluttered might be nice too, but that's not the only meaning of "bringing people home". Laboring under the assumption that my true interests would reach absolutely nobody seems to be completely destructive. Whether through its theory or its applications, I might find non-teaching-related ways to find and captivate the attention of other people interested in the field of aetherochemistry, or tangential domains.
Over the course of the coming week, I will labor to start exploiting all three of these items in some way or another, and aim to report these findings in the current notes. These are private for now, but may eventually be published if they provide relevant informations in the research protocols invoked or the results obtained. Given the occasional personal matter of the researches, names will then be changed should the informations go public. Besides, to allow me the broadest liberties when it comes to leads and research protocol, I will labor under the assumption that these works will be unsuitable for underage readers.
May something good come out of this.
Nanami Kiryuu. Aetherologist. Aetherochemist. Astrologian. Thaumaturge emeritus.
